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BARMEN Category: Dirty Jokes Friday 23rd May 2008 Our lager, Which art in barrels, Hallowed be thy drink, Thy will be drunk (I will be drunk), At home as it is in the pub. Give us this day our foamy head, And forgive us our spillages, As we will forgive those who spill against us. And lead us not to incarceration, But deliver us from hangovers. For thine is the beer, the bitter and the lager. For ever and ever. Barmen. |
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HARBOR FERRY Category: Dirty Jokes Thursday 22nd May 2008 A depressed young blonde was so desperate that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the harbor. When she went down to the docks, a handsome young sailor noticed her tears, took pity on her, and said: 'Look, you've got a lot to live for. I'm off to Europe in the morning, and if you like I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day.' Moving closer, he slipped his arm around her shoulder and added, 'I'll keep you happy, and you'll keep me happy.' The blonde nodded 'Yes.' After all, what did she have to lose? That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat. From then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit, and they made passionate love until dawn. Three weeks later, during a routine search, the captain discovered her. 'What are you doing here?' the captain asked. 'I have an arrangement with one of the sailors,' she explained, 'He's taking me to Europe, and he's screwing me.' 'He sure is, lady,' said the captain. 'This is the harbor ferry.' |
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BOWLING TEAM Category: Dirty Jokes Thursday 22nd May 2008 Two bowling teams, one of all Blondes and one of all Brunettes, charter a double-decker bus for a weekend bowling tournament in Atlantic City. The Brunette team rides in the bottom of the bus. The Blonde team rides on the top level. The Brunette team down below is whooping it up having a great time, when one of them realises she doesn't hear anything from the Blondes upstairs. She decides to go up and investigate. When the Brunette reaches the top, she finds all the Blondes frozen in fear, staring straight-ahead at the road, and clutching the seats in front of them with white knuckles. She says, "What the heck's goin' on up here? We're havin' a grand time downstairs!" One of the Blondes looks up and says, "Yeah, but you've got a driver!" |
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WHO OWNS THE COWS? Category: Dirty Jokes Thursday 22nd May 2008 After his graduation from college, the son of a Spanish lawyer was considering his future. He went to his father and asked if he might be given a desk in the corner from which he could observe his father�s activities and be introduced to his father�s clients as a clerk. His observations would help him decide whether or not to become a lawyer. His father thought this was a great idea and immediately helped to set it up. The first client the next morning was a tenant farmer--a rough man with calloused hands who was dressed in workman�s clothing. He said, "Mr. Lawyer, I work for the Gonzales farm on the east side of town. For many years I have tended their crops and animals, including some cows. I have raised the cows, fed them and looked after them. And I was always given the understanding and the belief that I was the owner of these cows. Now Mr. Gonzales has died and his son has inherited the farm. He believes that since the cows were raised on his land and ate his hay, the cows are his. In short, we are in dispute over who owns the cows." The lawyer said, "Thank you. I have heard enough. I will take your case. Don't worry about the cows!" The next client to come in, a young and well-dressed young man, was obviously a landowner. He said, "My name is Gonzales and I own a farm on the east side of town. We have a tenant farmer who has worked for my family for many years, tending crops and the animals, including some cows. I believe the cows belong to me because they were raised on my land and were fed my hay. But the tenant farmer believes they are his because he raised them and cared for them. In short, we are in dispute over who owns the cows." The lawyer said, "Thank you. I have heard enough. I will take your case. Don't worry about the cows!" After the client left, the lawyer�s son could not help but express his concern. "Father, I know very little about the law, but it seems we have a very serious problem concerning these cows." "Don�t worry about the cows!" the lawyer said. "The cows will be ours!" |
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SMOKING IN THE RAIN Category: Dirty Jokes Wednesday 21st May 2008 Two old ladies were outside their nursing home having a smoke, when it started to rain. One of the ladies pulled out a condom, cut off the end, put it over her cigarette, and continued smoking. Lady 1: What's that? Lady 2: A condom. Lady 1: Where'd you get it? Lady 2: You can get them at any drugstore. The next day, Lady 1 hobbled into the local drugstore and announced to the pharmacist that she wanted to buy a package of condoms. The guy looked at her kind of strangely (she was, after all, in her 80s), but politely asked what brand she preferred. "Doesn't matter," she replied, "as long as it fits a Camel." The pharmacist fainted. |
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44TH BIRTHDAY Category: Dirty Jokes Wednesday 21st May 2008 Two weeks ago was my 44th birthday and I wasn't feeling too good that morning. I went to breakfast knowing my wife would be pleasant and say, "Happy Birthday!", and probably have a present for me. As it turned out, she didn't even say good morning, let alone any happy birthday. I thought, well, that's wives for you, the children will remember...The children came in to breakfast and didn't say a word. So when I left for the office, I was feeling pretty low and despondent.. As I walked into my office, my secretary Janet said, "Good morning, Boss, Happy Birthday". And I felt a little better that someone had remembered. I worked until noon, then Janet knocked on my door and said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day outside, and it's your birthday, let's go to lunch, just you and me." I said, "That's the greatest thing I've heard all day, let's go!" We went to lunch we didn't go where we normally go; instead we went out to a private little place. We had two martinis and enjoyed lunch tremendously. On the way back to the office, she said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day, we don't need to go back to the office, do we?" I said, "No, I guess not." She said, "Let's go to my apartment." After arriving at her apartment she said, "Boss, if you don't mind, I think I'll go into the bedroom. "Sure!" I excitedly replied. She went into the bedroom and, in about six minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake ----- followed by my wife, children, and dozens of our friends, all singing Happy Birthday. And I just sat there...on the couch...naked. |
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LUNG TRANSPLANT Category: Dirty Jokes Wednesday 21st May 2008 Q. What's the worst part about getting a lung transplant? A. The first couple of times you cough, its not your phlegm. |
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HAND ME THE BROOM Category: Dirty Jokes Wednesday 21st May 2008 One afternoon a little boy was playing outdoors. He used his mother's broom as a horse and had a wonderful time until it was getting dark. He left the broom on the back porch. His mother was cleaning up the kitchen when she realized that her broom was missing. She asked the little boy about the broom and he told her where it was. She then asked him to please go get it. The little boy informed his mom that he was afraid of the dark and didn't want to go out to get the broom. His mother smiled and said 'The Lord is out there too, don't be afraid'. The little boy opened the back door a little and said 'Lord if you're out there, hand me the broom'. |
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MONICA Category: Dirty Jokes Tuesday 20th May 2008 A guy walks into his local bordello and picks out a girl. They go back to her room and start to discuss prices. She says "It's $100 for a blow job, $200 for straight sex, and $250 for a Monica." "What's a Monica?" he asks. "That's where I blow you now and screw you later," she answers. Submitted by Curtis Edited by Calamjo |
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THE MALE STAGES OF LIFE Category: Dirty Jokes Tuesday 20th May 2008 Age - Favorite Drink 17 Beer 25 Beer 35 Vodka 48 Double Vodka 66 Maalox Age - Best Seduction Line 17 My parents are away for the weekend. 25 My girlfriend is away for the weekend. 35 My fiancee is away for the weekend. 48 My wife is away for the weekend. 66 My second wife is dead. Age - Favorite Sport 17 Sex 25 Sex 35 Sex 48 Sex 66 Napping Age - Definition of a Successful Date 17 Tongue 25 Breakfast 35 She didn't set back my therapy. 48 I didn't have to meet her kids. 66 Got home alive. Age - Favorite Fantasy 17 Getting to third 25 Airplane Sex 35 Menage a Trois 48 Taking the Company Public 66 Swiss Maid / Nazi Love Slave Age - House Pet 17 Roaches 25 Stoned-out College Roommate 35 Irish Setter 48 Children from his first marriage 66 Barbie Age - What's the Ideal Age to Get Married? 17 25 25 35 35 48 48 66 66 17 Age - Ideal Date 17 Triple Stephen King feature at a drive-in 25 Split the check before we go back to my place. 35 Just come over. 48 Just come over and cook. 66 Sex in the company jet on the way to Vegas. |
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YOU KNOW IT'S COLD WHEN . . . Category: Dirty Jokes Tuesday 20th May 2008 You know it's cold when you see a lawyer with his hands in his OWN pockets! |
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FLYING CONDOM Category: Dirty Jokes Tuesday 20th May 2008 A man is walking past this house when a used condom comes flying out of the second story window and lands squarely on his head. Rather disgusted and absolutely furious, he goes up to the front door and starts pounding on it. An elderly man opens it and asks him what caused him to knock so loudly. The passer-by asks, "Who's in your upstairs room?" The elderly man replies, "I can't see how it's any of your business. But since you must know, my daughter and intended son-in-law are upstairs." The passer-by hands him the used condom and says, "Well, I just wanted you to know that your intended grandchild fell out the window!" |
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NEW WORDS TO BEVERLY HILLBILLYS Category: Dirty Jokes Monday 19th May 2008 Sing to tune of "The Beverly Hillbilly's"
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ALCOHOLIC SIDE-EFFEC Category: Dirty Jokes Monday 19th May 2008 The FDA is considering additional warnings on beer and alcohol bottles, such as:
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HOME DISTILLED LIQUO Category: Dirty Jokes Monday 19th May 2008 Drunken Billy was arrested for selling home-stilled whiskey. His lawyer put him on the stand and asked the jurors to look carefully at his client. "Now, Ladies and Gentleman of the jury," concluded the lawyer, "you've looked carefully at the defendant. Can you sit there in the jury and honestly believe that if my client had a quart of whiskey he would sell it?" He was acquitted. |
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MEDICAL NEWS Category: Dirty Jokes Monday 19th May 2008 News Flash: Shands Teaching Hospital in Gainesville, Fl., recently proved that diarrhea is inherited. Yes, it runs in your jeans... |
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SO STUPID 3 Category: Dirty Jokes Sunday 18th May 2008 ~ she studied for a blood test. ~ she thought Boyz II Men was a daycare center. ~ she thought Meow Mix was a record for cats. ~ she thought she needed a token to get on Soul train. ~ she sold the car for gas money. ~ when she saw the "NC-17" (under 17 not admitted), she went home and got 16 friends. ~ when she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, she moved. ~ she thinks Taco Bell is where you pay your phone bill. ~ when she missed the 44 bus, she took the 22 bus twice instead. ~ when she took you to the airport and saw a sign that said "Airport Left" she turned around and went home. Submitted by Yisman Edited by Calamjo |
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BLONDE HOMESTEADERS Category: Dirty Jokes Sunday 18th May 2008 What did the blonde mother say to the blonde daughter? "If you're not in bed by 12, you can come home!" |
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CAPTAIN HOOK Category: Dirty Jokes Sunday 18th May 2008 What's worse than getting raped by Jack the Ripper? Getting fingered by Captain Hook. |
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USING NAILS ON A HOUSE Category: Dirty Jokes Sunday 18th May 2008 These two newfies are building a house. One of them is putting on the siding. He picks up a nail, hammers it in. Picks up another nail, throws it away. Picks up a nail, hammers it in. Picks up another, throws it away. This goes on for a while, and finally his friend comes over and asks him why he is throwing half of the nails away. He replies, "Those ones were pointed on the wrong end." The buddy gets exasperated and says "You idiot, those nails are for the other side of the house!" |
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WRONG SIZE Category: Dirty Jokes Saturday 17th May 2008 There once lived a man named Jack. Jack was very unfortunate in that that he eyes having always bulged out every since he hit puberty. It was a very big problem for Jack, because no girls were every attracted to him. The bulging eyes were a big turn-off. Finally, after some consideration Jack goes to the doctor with his problem, always too embarrassed to go in the past. After closely listening to Jack's problem and after long examination, the doctor tells the Jack that there's only one way to solve Jack's problem, and that way is to cut off Jack's balls. Jack completely rejects the solution at first, but then begins to think that what good are his balls if he can't get laid anyway. And, since his bulging eyes are keeping him from getting laid in the first place, maybe losing his balls for the sake of looking normal wasn't such a bad idea. So, a day later Jack returns to the doctor and tells him to cut off his balls. Jack goes through with the surgery, and behold, the day after the surgery he looks into the mirror and finds that his eyes are no longer bulging out. Very happy with his new look, Jack decides to treat himself to some new clothes, go to a club, and get fucked. Based on recommendations from friends, Jack goes to a certain tailor to get some new clothes. As soon as Jack comes in, the tailor says, "Stop! Don't say anything! I bet I can tell you all your clothes sizes without you telling me anything or without my even using a measuring tape." "Take your shot," says Jack. The tailor says, "Ok, your shirt size is large, your pants waste size is 36, your pants length is 32, your underwear size is 38, and your...." "Ha!" interrupted Jack. "You are wrong, my underwear size is 34!" "That's impossible!" exclaimed the tailor, very puzzled, "If your underwear size was 34, your eyes would be bulging out like crazy!" |
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PLAYING SOLITAIRE Category: Dirty Jokes Saturday 17th May 2008 A blonde got a deck of playing cards as a gift but she couldn't find anyone to play solitaire with.
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EYELIDS Category: Dirty Jokes Saturday 17th May 2008 Your Momma's so fat, when she blinks, her eyelids clap! |
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SNOWBALLS Category: Dirty Jokes Saturday 17th May 2008 Q: What is the difference between snowmen and snowwomen? A: Snowballs. Submitted by Curtis Edited by Glaci |
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ANNOUNCEMENTS Category: Dirty Jokes Friday 16th May 2008 Actual Announcements From Church 1. This afternoon there will be a meeting in the South and North ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends. 2. Tuesday at 4:00 P.M. there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk, please come early. 3. Wednesday, the ladies Liturgy Society will meet. Mrs. Jones will sing, "Put me in My Little Bed" accompanied by the pastor. 4. Thursday at 5:00 P.M. there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All wishing to become little mothers, please see the minister in his study. 5. This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Smith to come forward and lay an egg on the altar. 6. The service will close with "Little Drops of Water." One of the ladies will start quietly and the rest of the congregation will join in. 7. On Sunday, a special collection will be taken to defray the expenses of the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the new carpet, please come forward and get a piece of paper at the end of the service. 8. The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind and they may be seen in the church basement Friday. 9. A bean supper will be held Saturday evening in the church basement. Music will follow. 10. The rosebud on the altar this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Bleser, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Julius Delser. |
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